chapter one, car crash, idea of control. how she wasn’t in control, only thing she was in control of was if she was going to wake up.
My body pulsing, my fingers trembling, my ears ache from the cacophony around me as my eyelids flutter as they gently open, I can see my mum, dad and brother. No one is speaking or moving, Im overwhelmed with the taste of metal and the memories flooding back to me. I’ve lost control. My minds trying to make sense of where I am, and how to escape but all I can think about is my family and what will happen. The murky fumes of gas and smoke fills my lungs, the walls of my throat begin to shudder, slowly closing. I think to myself “how it goes from thinking about boys, to acceptance letters, to friends and partying and how exciting my future ahead of me is, to being trapped in my own thoughts. I can’t move. I can barely open my eyes. Am I dead?. Am I going to die?. Is my family alright?. How the fuck do I get out of this car?. I can’t control anything. Everything’s been taken away from me. Apart from my constant overwhelming toxic thoughts. God I just wan’t it to go back to it was 30 seconds ago”.
I begin to lose concentration as I look down to my left, my legs trapped under the car door, the pain is so much that I cant feel it anymore, every things numb. My eyes fixate on the thick blanket of white outside. My feeling comes back as a chill is sent up my spine as the fresh drops of snow land on my arm. A sense of freedom and normality strike. It’s as if the pain has just vanished. The clean white snow is no longer clear as a deep red liquid trickles down in front of me.
“Is that mine?” I ask.
Before I knew it two feet stand before me. My brother, with his hand out, reaching for me. I see a huge gash on his head. The blood, it was his.
I try to speak and move towards him. All I wanna do is stand up and get out of this mess, but I cant. I try to tell myself it’s going to be okay and that we will be fine, but all I see is darkness and pain. I’ve lost control of my thoughts. My body. What can I do?. I see his lips move he’s saying something to me, I can’t hear a thing. Only my thoughts. My eyes begin to close I try to keep them open and respond in anyway. I can’t.The last thing I remember was a blue flickering light.
A concrete pen, a window the size of a tin can, machines everywhere, high metal gates trapping me like Im in a prison, yet all I can see is grey. Grey floor, grey bed, grey curtains even grey light piercing through the window. My eyes struggling to open, a sharp pain runs through my leg, my arms stinging as I feel tubes being inserted into my arm, as well as a mask on my face helping me breathe. I faintly see six concerned faces looking at me and saying things. I have no recognition of what their saying. It’s as if Im in another world, my mind and body aren’t working. Iv’e lost all control. My body feels weak, empty, maybe even lifeless. “Am I alive?” I question, I start to lose track of where I am, why Im here, the haunting tinge of the walls consume me as I dissolve into the hospital bed. My heads running wild as I try take one last glance, move one last time. I know my brothers alongside me, my friends, they’ve all come in to convince me to stay. I hear their soft encouraging voices, I feel their presence as it motivates me to come back in control and wake up. My body won’t listen, my mind won’t think straight. I want one thing. To be free. To find control. My body wont allow this.
It feels like centuries since i’ve seen light, the days are getting shorter, and time is moving quicker, yet all I see is never ending darkness. My hopes are dying and so am I. My body’s fragile, I feel lifeless. Will I make it out?. As time continues I only grow weaker, control slips through my fingers as I try to grasp it. The thoughts and prayers from my loved ones are deflecting against a barrier that doesn’t reach me. I know the people I love are here. I still feel alone. It’s so cold, I crave the feeling of the impeccable rays of sun dancing on my skin, the warmth absorbing me with a feeling of comfort. Slowly fading away, my presence almost non-existent. Should I succeed or fail, my eyes open or stay closed, my lungs inhale with out help, my heart beats or it doesn’t. The answers, I don’t know, I don’t want to know. Im scared. I have no control of what will happen.
Im scared of not waking up but Im also scared of waking up. Will my family even be there if I do. My old life will be extinguished. I’ll be lost. As I fight for control, I feel a warm breath on my ear, as the nurse whispers “it’s up to you if you wanna make it out of here, you need to fight”. I was left with this quote on constant replay in my head. Then a thump. A pulsing sensation runs through my body, my heart? its working. My eyes open, every things in high definition, rays of light blaring in my eyes. Familiar faces surround me. The aroma of flowers deplete me. This is when I know, iv’e found control.